Combating Perfectionism
Throughout college I had the very bad habit of waiting until the absolute last minute to write my papers or study for tests. This typically resulted in pulling all-nighters in the school library followed by days of trying to get my sleep schedule back on track and my body recouped. My friends and family would call me crazy and ask why on earth I procrastinated so much. “You know, you wouldn’t have to stay up all night if you’d just start writing before the day of!” they’d say. I didn’t know how to explain the paralyzing fear that would hit me as soon as I opened up that blank word document. I didn’t know how to tell them that I had set the bar so high for myself that I was completely overwhelmed by the idea of even starting the paper. It had to be perfect. It had to be A+ material, anything less was not acceptable. Anything less meant I wouldn’t be good at my future profession, right? It meant I was a failure…right? So instead of writing my papers or studying for my tests a little bit at a time, I would shut down my computer and not think about it. I’d watch that due date on my calendar get closer and closer and still wouldn’t do anything about it. I procrastinated until the very last minute and gave myself no choice but to put something, anything, down on that paper. At the time, I saw no way other than this. At the time, I didn’t know that my procrastination was an unhealthy symptom of my perfectionism.
Striving to be the best version of yourself or to do well on whatever things you are tasked with is an admirable trait. However, if you’re a perfectionist, this can often result in placing so much pressure on yourself to be perfect that you feel extremely stressed out or overwhelmed. You’ll likely notice that you procrastinate more or criticize yourself far more harshly than anyone else would. Where you would give others grace you give yourself only criticism or disapproval. You feel disappointed in yourself constantly. Often it even results in avoiding new experiences or tasks altogether because, “What if I fail?” You’ve set the bar so high that you have a hard time doing (or starting) even the most basic of tasks.
If any of this sounds familiar, if you feel like perfectionism has taken over your life, here are some things you can do that can help:
Listen to your self-talk
Take notice of the messages you are telling yourself. Start working on re-framing those negative phrases and turning them into phrases that are supportive, validating, or positive self-talk. For example, when you find yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m just going to fail,” take a moment. Pause. Then tell yourself instead, “I am strong and capable,” or simply, “I can do this.”
Set realistic standards
It’s okay to lower the bar! This does not make you a failure or any lesser of a person. If I had done this while I was in college, if I had told myself that B’s were okay or even A-‘s, my mental and physical health could have improved so much earlier. By simply choosing to create realistic, more achievable goals you are setting yourself up for success.
Celebrate small victories
Take a moment (or two or three) to slow down and reflect on the progress you have made and the accomplishments you’ve achieved. These moments of reflection on progress are so important and meaningful and it can be very gratifying to encourage yourself along the way!
Shift the focus away from blaming yourself
Shift the focus away from blaming yourself for mistakes to reflecting on lessons learned (because we all make mistakes!). Keep in mind that failure can be viewed as progress! Failure can drive you closer to finding the path to success. Remind yourself that it’s okay and that additional opportunities lie ahead!
Seek Balance
Try to avoid solely focusing on your to-do-list. Think about all of the areas in your life that you value and try to remain committed to giving time and focus to these other areas. Really try to dedicate time to connecting with your social support system- whether that be family or friends or both!
You CAN move forward and leave those pesky perfectionist tendencies behind. Give these tips a try and notice if they make a difference in that heavy pressure you feel to be perfect.
If you're struggling, seek help. Sharp Wellness offers individual, couples, family, and group therapy to help support you and help you live your best life. Contact us now.
Heather Wade, LMSW