Finding Calm in the Chaos: Tips for Managing Stress in Your Relationship
Living in today’s world goes hand-in-hand with living with a certain level of stress. Consistent, sustained high levels of cortisol have been proven to have detrimental impacts on most every aspect of your life, namely your physical and mental health. In the context of a romantic relationship, stress can impact how you relate to your partner, how connected you feel to one another, and overall relationship satisfaction.
Your relationship should be a sanctuary from all life’s stressors, and in fact, it can be. If you feel that your threshold for stress tolerance has long been surpassed then you may benefit from what the Gottman Institute calls a “Stress-Reducing Conversation.” The Gottman Institute recommends having this type of conversation with your partner for about 20-30 minutes each day. This particular conversation is like your usual venting session, but on steroids. It is intentional and powerful, and cumulatively results in greater emotional intimacy with your partner. Here’s how have a “Stress-Reducing Conversation”:
Take Turns
Each partner takes turns speaking for about 15 minutes about something that is bothering them from outside the relationship. (When we are talking about something bothering us from within the relationship, it may reduce stress, but we typically think of that as conflict management.)
Stay engaged
While your partner is speaking, be sure to show that you are actively engaged with the conversation. Make eye contact, nod along, provide minimal encouragers (such as, “Ah”, “hmmm,” “Wow!”, etc).
Ask open-ended questions
Open ended questions elicit a response other than yes or no. They move the conversation forward. Bonus points if you can ask questions that bring out more thought or conversation from your partner about the issue they are speaking on.
Examples:
“What is it about this that bothers you the most?”
“How do you feel about this?”
*For more open-ended questions, check out the Gottman Card Deck App, specifically the “Great Listening” card deck.
Don’t try to solve problems or fix it!
I cannot emphasize this point enough. Despite your instinct, when someone is complaining/venting to you, your first response should be one of empathy or validation, not to offer solutions. People generally will ask you for advice if they want it. Offering unsolicited advice not only comes off as dismissive, it can also fall on deaf ears. People who don’t feel heard or understood as a prerequisite, often won’t be open to hearing what you have to say on the matter. Remember, when in doubt, “Understanding always precedes advice.”
Demonstrate understanding
This may be the hill I die on. Saying, “I understand” in isolation DOES NOT CONVEY understanding. We have to show our work. Imagine, if you will, attending an algebra class. In that class, you may often have homework or assessments to gauge your understanding of the material. If you simply tell the instructor, “I understand,” but don’t show any of your work, that’s not gonna fly. You have to demonstrate your understanding. This looks like empathy, validation, and summarizing what someone has shared with you. It might sound something like this:
“Sounds like you’re really pissed! I would be too!”
“You’re really working hard on that.”
“This is really exciting/hard/difficult/nerve-wracking for you.”
Check in for understanding
To make sure you truly understand someone, just ask. It can be as simple as “Am I getting it?” It can go a long way to making your partner feel understood and seen, and what better feeling is there than that?
Switch
Once your partner has gotten to vent and you’ve listened well, it’s your turn. Start at one and let your partner hear all that’s on your mind and heart.
Talking about what is stressing us out with a trusted partner can be infinitely soothing. Too often partners are so stressed, they end up only talking about the day-to-day to do list items. This kind of conversation connects you on a more intimate level. Set aside time each day to talk to one another and see the ripple effect it has in your relationship.
Start Effectively Communicating Today With Couples Therapy in Birmingham, AL, or McKinney, TX
You want to learn how to talk to your partner without it ending in a fight or you feeling unheard. We at Sharp Wellness understand that and want to help. We have experienced and knowledgeable couples therapists located in Birmingham, AL, and McKinney, TX. Our counseling team is dedicated to helping couples effectively communicate so their relationships can thrive. If you are interested in beginning Couples Therapy:
Book an Appointment or Contact us at contact@sharpwellnessandcounseling.com
Learn more about our services
Begin the journey of effectively communicating with your partner today!
Other Therapy Services at Sharp Wellness
At Sharp Wellness, our therapists know there may be more causing issues in your relationships than communication. This is why we have locations in Birmingham, AL, and Mckinney, TX. To help you with whatever issues you may be facing. Our therapists also offer a variety of therapy services to support you and your family. We offer trauma therapy, teen and adolescent therapy, individual counseling, marriage counseling, family counseling, LGBTQIA+ affirming therapy, EDMR Therapy, and Group Therapy. We also offer Couple's Intensives at our Mckinney, TX location.