Sh*#sgiving: How to Manage the Holidays while Grieving
The holidays can feel particularly complicated for those who have lost a loved one in the last year (or 2 or 3). Clients dealing with loss often ask: "How do we do our "normal" traditions when life feels anything BUT "normal"? How can we be happy on days that are *supposed* to be joyful, like family holiday gatherings. Is it even worth trying? What is the point? Giving thanks feels impossible when I feel anything BUT grateful. But I can't let myself give up on life and happiness even though it's hard to imagine it without them."
This internal conflict causes grieving people to struggle with decision-making around the holidays and leads to resentment & avoidance of once-cherished traditions. The problem is that the holidays bring conflicting needs: the justifiable need to gather with loved ones to celebrate and make memories and the need to be authentic about our feelings and honor the ones we've lost. Luckily, there is a way to meet both needs; it just requires some creativity and, ideally, getting other loved ones on board.
Time with family and friends spent making memories and marking important moments in time is extremely important for humans, but we can do so in a way that honors our conflicting needs. Instead of your usual Thanksgiving, make it the year of Sh#%sgiving! Turn your traditions upside down, or do completely different ones. Rather than spend all day cooking, order takeout. Watch The Godfather for family movie night rather than It's a Wonderful Life. Play Green Day instead of your holiday playlist. Bake pies and then throw them at each other. Instead of going around the table to share gratitude, share a complaint. If you really want to go all in, pick up an old broken car from a junkyard, write cancer or depression or whatever took your loved one on the car, then take turns smashing the crap out of it with a sledgehammer. I bet you could sell tickets to neighbors who want to come to take a swing. Everybody's got some intense emotion to release this time of year. Make it silly and irreverent, and maybe throw in a serious conversation about the missing loved one where everyone gets to cry together, then throw another pie, causing everyone to start laughing again through tears.
Every time I have suggested this to a client who is going back and forth on the holidays, stuck in that conflict, they have immediately perked up and started planning. It's easy to get most family members on board because it's a way to be authentic about how they feel since "normal" feels wrong, but not give up an essential part of life like family time and holidays. They get to honor both themselves and their missing loved one. So if this year you are in conflict over this, maybe Sh@*sgiving is for you. And perhaps even Crapsmas, Blah-nukkah, Kwanzawful, or Winter Stoolstice. Be authentic, be creative, and make it work for you.
If you're struggling, seek help. Sharp Wellness offers individual, couples, family, and group therapy to help support you and help you live your best life. Contact us now.
