Tips for Managing Anger from a Texas Therapist
Anger's Connection to Sadness
Anger. We have all felt this emotion at different times in our lives. Maybe your boss asked you to stay late on a Friday, your child forgot to do the dishes you told them about for the 47th time, or that driver cuts you off without warning. No matter the triggering point of the anger we experience, we all know the feeling. If you look up the definition of anger, it states, "a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility." Although many people would say that this definition is accurate, there is an issue: its failure to point to the one emotion that typically fuels anger in the first place: sadness.
Whether we realize it or not, sadness and anger go hand in hand, and you usually cannot have one without the other. When we break down our experience of anger, there is usually a circumstance of feeling hurt. We don't typically understand that this is happening before the anger hits, whether by someone else or by our critical mindsets. For example, maybe you felt hurt that the boss asked you to stay late because your hard work has never been recognized, perhaps you felt unheard by your child when they failed to do those dishes and the final straw of believing that the driver who cut you off had no consideration for you at all. You see, each of these experiences leads back to feelings of hurt, AKA emotions of sadness.
Coping Skills
With this revelation, we can use helpful coping mechanisms to assist us in our sadness and anger. When we think of coping skills, we must utilize ones that will work for us individually. If I use swimming as a positive coping skill, but I can't swim, we may be looking at something that would not fit me best. Coping skills are just things that bring us joy and help us feel calm. Here are some examples that could relate to you:
Biking
Reading
Drawing or Painting
Spending Time with Friends or Family
Petting a Dog
Going for a Walk
Watching a Good Movie
Listening to Music
Working Out
Dancing
Yoga
Taking a Bubble Bath
Breathing Exercises
In the end, the suggestions I listed above may not be your thing, and that is entirely okay as long as you find something that is. Recognize the emotions, and then do something fun to deal with them. The more we can positively cope with our negative emotions, the better we ultimately feel.
Talk About It
If you're anything like me, talking about the hurt and anger can seem intimidating, but it is vital in moving past the feelings we are experiencing. The word confrontation can send people running for the hills, but we need it to release the anger. Confrontation is very different from conflict, as healthy communication leads to less resentment in our lives. When we can tell people how we are feeling, we aren't doing things we don't want to do as much anymore, we don't have resentment for having to do those things, and we don't explode with anger later because of all of our hurt emotions. In the end, confrontation helps us and those around us better understand what we need. We have to communicate if we want to heal; unfortunately, there's no way around it. I promise it is better than you think it is. YOU GOT THIS!
Confrontation Done Right
So now that we know we need to confront the situation, how do we do that effectively? Well, not to worry, because I have some tips.
Use "I" statements.
People will feel way better about having those tough conversations if they don't feel attacked. The word "you" is blaming and puts people on defense. The more you can use statements such as "I feel" and "I believe," the more the person may be receptive to listening.
Compliment Sandwiches
Start the conversation with a compliment (the first piece of bread), tell them the issue you're having (the meat and cheese), and finish with another compliment (the second piece of bread). Example: "I value our friendship, but I felt hurt when our plans were canceled at the last minute because I was really looking forward to hanging out with you."
Cool Down First
Lastly, make sure you aren't overly angry when you try to establish a healthy confrontation. It is okay to take some space before you have a challenging conversation; it is often better if you do. We don't want the talk to lead to conflict. Therefore, we must recognize what is in our control, such as our behaviors.
Self-Care
Self-care can be easy to forget, but we have to ensure that we take care of ourselves. When we utilize self-care, we make keeping the anger in check easier. Often, we think of self-care as something that needs to be a big gesture (long massages, facials, meditating for hours, expensive trips to the salon, etc.). Although these areas can be self-care, we sometimes need to remember the smaller pieces of our basic needs (food, sleep, water). Self-care might not always be this blissful experience; in fact, it may just be something you do in the moment to feel better in the future. It's okay to start small; in fact, it's encouraged!
Take Away
Overall, anger can be tricky to manage, but sometimes, it seems easier if we first look into what is going on. Why are we angry? Is the anger a result of another emotion? How will we feel if we take 30 minutes before we address the anger? Can we do something positive for ourselves when we notice the anger creeping in? These questions may result in managing our anger and making life more peaceful.
If you need more support
At Sharp Wellness, we understand that life is hard, and we want to help. We have experienced and knowledgeable therapists located in Birmingham, AL, and McKinney, TX.
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Other Therapy Services at Sharp Wellness
At Sharp Wellness, we know life can be hard. This is why we have locations in Birmingham, AL, and Mckinney, TX to help you with whatever issues you may be facing. Our therapists also offer a variety of therapy services to support you and your family. We offer trauma therapy, teen and adolescent therapy, individual counseling, marriage counseling, family counseling, LGBTQIA+ affirming therapy, EDMR Therapy, and Group Therapy. We also offer Couple's Intensives at our Mckinney, TX location.