Recognizing the Red Flags: Is It Time for Couples Therapy?
Relationships, in all their complexity, are bound to encounter challenges. It's a universal truth. I often remind couples that disagreements are a natural part of being in a relationship. However, when these issues are left unaddressed, they can escalate, affect your relationship satisfaction, and spill over into various aspects of your life. Surprisingly, most couples wait an average of seven years after the going gets tough before considering therapy. By then, it can feel like an uphill battle. If you're pondering whether couples therapy is right for you, it's essential to recognize the signs that it's time to make that appointment.
The Four Horsemen
Drawing from over 40 years of extensive research, The Gottman Institute identifies four predictors of relationship breakdown, which they aptly refer to as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These patterns can signify that the end is near, but there's hope for improvement with timely intervention. Here are the four crucial indicators:
Criticism
This involves attacking the person rather than addressing the behavior. It sounds more like, "You always make us run late!" and less like, "I get stressed when we're late. It's important to me to be on time. Can we make this a priority?"
Defensiveness
Defensiveness involves deflecting accountability, ranging from subtly "explaining" your reasons for an action to overtly shifting the blame, like saying, "Maybe I'd be on time if you could get your stuff together."
Contempt
Contempt is the most toxic sign in a relationship, characterized by self-righteous indignation towards your partner. It can manifest as sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, hostile humor, or name-calling. Identifying and addressing contempt early is crucial.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally shuts the other out by silence or physically leaving the conversation. Recognize this as a warning sign and seek help promptly.
Harsh Start-Up
The way a conversation begins can significantly impact its course and outcome. A harsh start-up, as the name suggests, sets a negative tone. Instead of beginning with criticism, start the conversation by expressing your feelings and needs clearly. This shift can profoundly affect your partner's response.
Negative Sentiment Override
Think of negative sentiment override as a cancerous cell that distorts your perceptions of your partner and relationship. Even your partner's positive actions may be perceived negatively when you're in this state. Breaking free from this pattern is crucial to rebuilding a healthier connection.
Flooding/Dysregulation
Flooding, or diffuse physiological arousal, occurs when your body responds to conflict by elevating your heart rate above 100 bpm or dropping oxygen levels below approximately 95%. This leads to a lack of oxygen in the brain's prefrontal cortex, responsible for executive function. If you ever said or did things you regret during a heated argument, you were likely experiencing this physiological response. Learning to self-soothe is vital for healthier conflict resolution.
Repair Attempts
Healthy relationships involve making up as quickly and effectively as possible. We look for two things: 1) Can couples make up? 2) How quickly do they turn towards each other to repair the damage? Contrary to the notion that love means never apologizing, making repairs is essential in loving relationships. It's an opportunity for growth and healing.
If any of these signs resonate with your relationship, don't hesitate to seek help. The sooner you engage the support of a couples therapist, the quicker you can find relief and rekindle the joy in your relationship. Remember, seeking help is a proactive step towards building a healthier, more fulfilling connection with your partner.
If you need more support
At Sharp Wellness, we understand that life is hard, and we want to help. We have experienced and knowledgeable therapists located in Birmingham, AL, and McKinney, TX.
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Other Therapy Services at Sharp Wellness
At Sharp Wellness, we know life can be hard. This is why we have locations in Birmingham, AL, and Mckinney, TX to help you with whatever issues you may be facing. Our therapists also offer a variety of therapy services to support you and your family. We offer trauma therapy, teen and adolescent therapy, individual counseling, marriage counseling, family counseling, LGBTQIA+ affirming therapy, EDMR Therapy, and Group Therapy. We also offer Couple's Intensives at our Mckinney, TX location.